But what was on my mind more, was a resurgence of memories...of the paths I had once shared with a few mentors in my life. Once indeed...for they have all been someway or another, taken away by Him.
1st was of a betrayal of trust. I could still remember vividly the day I came upon the realisation of what he did...I didn't know what to feel or think. Even though after we had talked through things, knowing the intention of his actions, we closed the issue, but it seems that our relationship has been affected, and there was found to be a small scar deep within me.
The 2nd one, seemed to slip away just like that. With things that happened, and the passage of time, we drifted apart. It was a hard hit to me...for I really treasured the relationship alot. We did bring it to a proper close. It was also then, that God showed me that no particular relationship in this world, is safe from the aspect of uncertainties and lifespan. Infidelity breaks the sanctity of a marriage vow between a husband and wife. Insufficient display of care and attention breaks the bond between a father and son. Pursuit of academic studies in different places separates 2 childhood friends. It was a painful lesson...but nonetheless, an important and necessary one.
The 3rd mentoring relationship, was gone...rather abruptly. Just when I had started to open up once again, to share and to be vulnerable...to give my trust and care. Things just happened, I can only receive and see what happened, but totally helpless to do anything about it. What of this 3rd one then? Honestly...I don't know...for now.
And that's what I'd like to say to You...I don't know.
I don't fully know why You allowed them to be taken away.
I don't fully know whether it was somewhere I had gone wrong.
I don't fully know where You're leading me to.
I don't fully know how to handle the pain and disappointment.
I don't fully know what to do at times.
But this I know...that You are with me.
It must have been by His grace, that a recent conversation with a friend, had brought to my remembrance of this particular day during my O levels. It was the day of my Maths paper, in the afternoon, some 2 hours before the paper. I was at home, and the immense fear and stress left me in no mood to continue with the original plan to have some final revision. I did what I knew my heart truly wanted and needed....
a moment of quietness with Him.
I began pouring out my struggles, feelings of inadequecies and fear before Him. That was when I sensed an impression upon my heart from Him...
"I know all that You are facing my child. But tell me, would it make a difference that I tell you, that right now...I am with you?"
"Lord...I'm afraid", I said.
"I am with you.", He replied.
"I've never done well once for maths before...I don't know what will come out of this"
"I am with you"
"I'm sorry for the many times I did not give my best and do my part for my work"
"I am with you"
"I feel that I can never measure up to the expectations and comparisons of me and my brother made by my parents"
"I am with you"
"I feel so uncertain about the future"
"I am with you"
I stood quietly before Him...speechless. All my internal struggles seem to fade in the light of His comforting promise and presence. For the first time in a long while, I felt so free, that I don't have to strive to meet the expectations of the world or even my parents. His love and acceptance was something I couldn't, or needn't strive to measure up to. My future is really in His hands, my grades don't categorise or identify me,and His love and plan for me has been set in place from the day I was knitted together in my mother's womb. With a tearful "Thank You" and the song "This Is My Destiny" resonating in my heart...I went for the paper with true joy and peace in my heart....
So may this remembrance guard my heart, with the assurance of Your presence with me this day. That even when no reasons or answers are given in the face of my questions...may I rest, embraced by the fact that You have been, are, and will be...shepherding me.
This Is My Destiny - Dennis Jernigan
All I was I lay aside
Now dead to sin, to God alive
Born again into a new identity!
Once asleep to God in sin
Now awakened by the blood and cleansed
Born again to be who He called me to be!
All I have I lay aside
Run the race to gain the prize
For the sake of knowing Jesus Christ in me!
I cannot yet fully see
All I'm truly called to be
But knowing Christ reveals my hope and destiny!
He calls me Child
He calls me to His side eternally
He calls what once was lost now found, once bound to sin now free
He calls me holy, calls me righteous by the blood redeemed
He calls me overcomer crowned with victory
This is my destiny!
What once bound me is no more
What was stolen is restored
By the ressurection power of my King!
What was old has been made new
Lies and doubts replaced by truth
What was silent, now resounds
I am redeemed!
He calls me Servant, calls me Warrior, calls me Royalty
He calls me Resurrected One, He calls me His Redeemed
He calls me higher, calls me far beyond my wildest dream
He calls my heart to come and be all He can see
This is my destiny!
He calls me Chosen, New Creation, Trophy of His Grace
He gives me strength to fight the fight
And run to win the race
He tells me He delights in me
While singing over me
Accepting me as His beloved bride to be
This is my destiny!
This is my destiny!
My destiny!
