Man...I look like I'm in the middle of a battlefield warzone or something lahh. Look at that pathetic look =(I thought the previous attempt at blading during 1 of the Poie'ma's outing had been humiliating enough...I was WRONG...
People at the beach would have been sick of seeing me fall for the umpteenth timeI lost count of the number of times I fell..roughly 10 or so? Time after time, it was painful. First it was the palms. Then the elbows. Followed by the kneecaps. Soon...injuries all over my body was a testament to my blading skills...which was superbly...non-existent...YET. =D
It made me question myself...what made me hold on? Perservering in familiarising myself with the blading techniques...despite the pains & injuries it brought. I realised...it was the great desire to really learn how to blade. I really want to learn it! I was looking at the end product of my efforts...it really pushed me to give what I had. And out of that...came another question...
When was the last time I wanted something so badly?
To really give my all for something..to have the joy and passion in what I pursue and do. It reminded me of my reflection for the past few months, a lament of the loss of my past. How I seemed to have lost that passion in wanting something that badly...even towards Him. And how I longed for that old me...younger, striving passionately in my pursues, my service and love unto Him..which seemed to have disappeared. Just like Peter at the crowing of the cock, I cried and regretted at how I turned back on the promise to love Him with my all.
And so I moved through life, just taking in things the way them came. Was it tiredness, numbness..I don't know. And I've been in my lament for some time, until tonight, where a series of things happened.
I was at the Serve'06 graduation tonight. As I sit there, I was reminded of the very first day of my Serve inaugeration service. The word that was given to me from Rev Rennis Ponniah.
"You will be a different king Saul"
Saul...why Saul? I don't know. I've always wanted to be like David..it was my heart's desire. Doesn't a different and opposite king like Saul refer to David? Could it have been His way of keeping me in the place of humility yet still fulfilling that desire? Maybe...but honestly, I don't know. I've yet to fully grasp what's it mean to me. But I can certainly remember the times I feel more like Saul than David.
So that was a reminder to my His carrying grace from Serve days till now.
Then, I was talking to Uncle Danny. Strangely, we were talking about our army days. And he left me with this statement.."Remember how the goodness of God has brought you through and always be thankful."
And that was a reminder to His carrying grace in my army days.
After that, I went home alone. The weird thing? I took bus 64 instead of 66 by mistake. I don't know, but I really thought I saw the number 66! "Man, what's wrong with you Deqi?!", I muttered as the driver asked me to alight at this mini bus depot at Aljunied..wondering to Him whether there's a reason to this now.
You may think this is a coincidence...but I really don't think so when I saw my poly mate in the very train cabin I entered in. What are the odds to my taking a wrong bus and switching to the train only to meet this guy in that particular cabin at that time? His name's Moses, the only fellow christian in my poly class. I was reminded of how I thanked God for him back then, how He encouraged and brought me through those days.
So finally, a reminder to His carrying grace during my poly time.
I don't know if you can follow what I've been typing. But when I look at all these...it all just seem to flow sequentially...and nothing sort of His working in the midst of all. And in the depths of my heart, I can sense a faint impression upon my heart saying through the things that happened...
I am mindful of your frame of dust, and I see your failures. There is the time to grieve, but you need to move on from there. In this fallen world, it is almost your second nature to change your heart about so many things. But in looking to your failures and inconsistencies...look also to Me, to my faithfulness and never-changing Word and nature. It is in looking to and following My consistency that you ground yourself firmly in, for in reality, you have no goodness of your own to maintain my child. Yes you have changed, failed and fallen...but look to Me. Remember my goodness and how I carried you. Remember Me.
Help me to indeed.
Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, "I find no pleasure in them"
Ecclesiastes 12:1
