As I lay there on my bed, I was tired, but for some reason, just couldn't fall asleep. It had been a long day of music practise, worship practise for the service next day, and preparation for the cell BS.
And I was weary. Physically, yes. But even more so was the mental strain I had been having for so long. I really want to give up at times. So many areas of my life to look and work at. Relationships to handle and work at. I can almost give up.
And as I looked out the window, stoning into the peaceful night, I asked Him...
I feel so tired. I know I've made so many bad choices, mistakes and deviated from Your path ever so often. I'm sorry. And looking at all the issues and situations around me and my friends... I really feel like giving up. I have leaned upon my own wisdom and strength too many a time. I have inclined my ears away from You, inculcating it to listen to my own pushing endeavor, yearning for the acknowledgement and encouragement from others. These are not totally bad...but along the way...I've missed the point.
You. You are the point. The reason I live, I serve, I push on, I try to change, and hang on in the face of trials. And I'm at the end of my own strength and wisdom. I need, and I want to hear from You. I need Your encouragement, Your words of affirmation...to know that I'm still loved despite my mistakes, that You are still standing with me, and it's not over yet. You are not a last resort to me now...but what I really need the most throughout all this while. I'm tired...but let me rest in Your arms...and listen.
And with that...I rested my body with a deep sleep.
Thank God was able to wake up on time despite the few hours of sleep. I forgot about the service being a woman's day special thing, so wasn't expecting the sermon to be on Luke 7. A sinner's lavish outpouring and expression of love and worship, out of heartfelt gratitude and thankfulness. The message struck a chord in my heart.
He has forgiven. Now live as a witness to that compassion, and withhold nothing, pouring my alabaster jar in expressing that love and thankfulness for Him.
What could I say?
"Thank You."
So I played my heart out in worship through every beat of the drums in the song "How Could I Live Without You"...
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[Mary's Alabaster Jar] - Solomon's Wish
We all stood in wonder
Passing silent judgment down
Casting her off as crazy
Made me feel more comfortable somehow
Expecting anger, I was
Taken back by His reply
His approval of her adoration
Made me question mine
CHORUS:
Would I pour my every sacrifice?
Could I ever go that far?
Just to wash Your feet with my life
Like Mary's alabaster jar
Relentless in my memory
Her unbound hair and spilled perfume
As I stand here on this hillside
Watching prophesy come true
And if yesterday could be tomorrow
I would change today
Just to be the one knelt shamelessly
Giving everything away
I would pour my every sacrifice
In awe of who You are
Just to wash Your feet with my life
Like Mary's alabaster jar