Another session of drumming for this morning's service. Grateful for the enablement for everything that was done....even for the moment of breather for the song of response 'Be It Unto Me'...even though just for awhile...it allowed a moment of quietness before Him in the midst of it all.After service as we were packing up the stuff, I overheard a man talking to yeepeng about the band stuff. The message I got from their conversation, and some misinterpretation of what daniel told...was that he thought my drumming was nothing much really.
It....struck me, as that statement got into my consciousness...
"The bass and all was quite ok....but the drumming...well...*shrugs* nothing much really..."
Although daniel later clarified with me that I mis-heard what was said...I didn't quite really get over it initially.
5-6 years (woah...has it been that long already!?) into drumming and guitar till now, I've told myself along the way...it's not about me. Everything came from Him. Don't look to the approval of Man. Play unto Him as worship. I'm here to compliment, not take the centrestage.And I know my own standing. There are much better and capable ones in church. I have been humbled and encouraged to constantly work on the skills.
But today "hearing" that comment...it hit me hard. Perhaps...it was the first time I "heard" such a statement made towards me. Someone thought nothing of my attempt to play unto Him? All along I had thought I was making small progress along the way, and really just strutting out my best for Him. My best, it seemed...isn't good enough? Honestly, it was hard to swallow. But it's not really my pride or my defense mechanism kicking in to defend my skills or anything. Looking at how fuxian plays, what I can do is reaaally simple. I can never bring myself to pride over what I've learnt and acheived along the way. Such unorthodox learning and looking at the way I picked things up...I can only say, He taught me everything.
As I kept the stuff...I just muttured "...ok....well...but that's all that i have to give to You. Delight in it, or think nothing of it....You have the right to do what You want with it. It's to You, and Yours." and just tried to put it all aside.
It does cause me to think. What if someone really thought nothing of my playing and what I do? What do I think of my own playing and all?
Guess I still need to come to that place of saying...it all really doesn't matter anymore. What they think. What I can do. It's not the issue at the end of the day. So what if I can amaze with my skills and people give shouts of approval, yet doesn't please Him. It's all about and for Him
So...as calloused and scarred as my hands are, as unsightly and less-than-perfect my gifts and offerings are...I lift them to You alone, for that's all I have and can do.
And I ask for nothing more or less,
just that You, in Your grace, would find delight in them.
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Well...it's here finally.
THE letter...from nus, regarding my application. The verdict?
They said no.
Hmm...disappointed? Yes I am...but not really much for now. More of kinda in a blank. I guess partly I've been more or less prepared inside for the rejection. But I guess the timing of the letter's arrival could not have been more apt. Since I was supposed to get back to my supervisor about my contract work tomorrow, this letter kinda confirms the direction. So guess it's on to finding a perm job at least for a year ahead.
Will I re-apply next next year for uni? I don't know. Age, money...they're all factors. But more so, to see where He leads me to, and what I'll be doing by then. Hmm...this passage onto adulthood...does feel weird at times. Actually...I'd say it's more of Him saying no to me, not nus.
Where will I be? I don't know, really.
But wherever and whatever it may be...may I be in it together with Him.
Anywhere...but not without Him.
