I know you meant well. Surely, you desire nothing but the best for me, in your love. But...do you see how much you're trying to be in control? How much you want things done your way? I'm sure you desire to see me live and grow maturely...yet the things you do, it seems to put me down...making me feel that I'm always a kid in your eyes.
I want to be your kid, but not a kid. I need to see that my actions have consequences...good or bad. Do you think that I don't know what to do? What must I do to prove it? You can't always be there for me. I know my reactions and behaviors often leave much to be desired...but do you see what's causing all of it within me?
The times when you all quarrel, and sandwich me in between. The times when you raise your voice for no reason. And especially the times when you seem to put me with him.
I wouldn't complain if you did the same things to him. But I don't see it. Why is it only to me? Because of my age? Because of my past failures? Because nothing good comes out of whatever I do? Because I can never seem to be like him?
I am not him!
I used to want to be like him. But not anymore....not when I've been compared and put down before him. I know I'm not as able as him. I can't excel in many areas like him. Do you know how much it means to me, for the little times that I excel better than him in some areas? Areas that you would never expect me to do well, much less do better than him. I can remember the cold waters you have poured upon me, for the times when I shared with you excitedly something I've done well for.
I wasn't trying to show off. I just wanted your approval...your pleasure towards me.
But time after time, situations just seem to cause me to shrink back and close up even more.
Do you know that there's a side of me you've yet to see, all these years? Do you know how much I want to show and share this side of me?
I want to show you how I'm like outside, how I relate to the others. I want to show you how I can play the guitar. I want to show you how I can bring joy to you. I want to show you how much I enjoy coffee and little talks. I want to show you how much I really care, and how much I really want to change things.
I want to show that I can take care of myself...and if I fail at times, let me learn the lesson. I want to take care of you.
But I can't.
Cause that's how you see me.
Why can't I be treated equally as him? I need the space. I don't mind giving...but is there a limit? Is my idea of relating too different from the others and wrong? I too, need.
What about committment? Loving the Body as His, standing by it in times of weakness and need. Can I give up? I can't do everything, cause I'm not. So what is my part?
Tell me please...
what would You do.
