For the first time ever in my life, I finally realized and understood, the possibility and feeling of what it means to laugh and cry at the same time. And for time first time, I vulnerably let loose, somehow mouthing those words in between 'uncontrollable' tears and joyful laughter.
I hadn't even expected, or seen it coming. When he approached me, I thought he was going to pray for me....so I stopped playing the guitar and singing. Instead, he said, "Deqi, come, let me take over."
Without even looking at him, I just spontaneously lowered the guitar strap and handed my guitar over to him....and just went over to a corner.....and waited.
A few moments later, they approached over and started praying for me....and as they did so, I gradually found myself being unable to remain standing. How could I....when His gentle, yet respectful presence compelled me as I prostrated, and surrendered.
Then the words came.......".....You see.....and You restore...all that the locusts have eaten....no more wasted years..."
And that's when it all just hit, the swelling within me coming to a climax outburst and internal release.
All these years...
years of my peers' departure,
years of my being smack right in the middle of leaderships, people, relationships all intermittently connecting and affecting one another, being drained and torn in between conflicts,
years of my toil and sowing in tears,
years of standing in,
years of bridging,
years of aches,
years of struggling mistakes and failures,
years of just.....hanging on, and hanging around.
She was so right, when she mentioned about how I looked so confused and at a lost in the midst throughout last year. Honestly, I haven't even noticed. Maybe I was too caught up, or maybe I was too numb or used to it.
So as I laid myself before God, and just sat in the midst of the worshipping voices, He spoke. And I felt this bubbling, surging wave of joy.....joy that I have forgotten the feeling of, joy as the realization hits home.
I've found it....where I belong, where I'm supposed to be, that very place of rest I've been longing and looking for. Oh, how blessed is the man, who finds himself at the very centre of the place God has intended him to be, to be where you are supposed to be.
No matter the things to be done....there are others who will be called to stand in place. No matter how you think you can improve things.....the hearts of worship will go on, no matter the technicalities. It is His ministry, it is His work. It is the time for you to just take a back seat, and rest, and be restored. To find the sharpening for the blunt-ing over the years.
Let Him sing over you. Let Him.
So, this is the belonging of this season to come. But You know my fears and uncertainty, and yet You replied with the reminder of Abraham who obeyed in faith.
May the same manner of faith, be administered to me as well....thank You...
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[Where I Belong] - Mercyme
Everybody hopes
That maybe somewhere down this road
We'd finally find that place where we belong
That place where we're complete
The one that occupies our dreams
That place we're lucky to call our home
Well, I have arrived
And I can't keep this inside
So I raise my hands
And shout Your name
To praise You with my song
My dream's at hand
I've found my place
The place where I belong
Everybody tries
To find the purpose for their life
In hopes that one more day is justified
But once you truly see
The very reason why you breathe
It becomes so much more than getting by
Well, I have arrived
And I can't keep this inside
That maybe somewhere down this road
We'd finally find that place where we belong
That place where we're complete
The one that occupies our dreams
That place we're lucky to call our home
Well, I have arrived
And I can't keep this inside
So I raise my hands
And shout Your name
To praise You with my song
My dream's at hand
I've found my place
The place where I belong
Everybody tries
To find the purpose for their life
In hopes that one more day is justified
But once you truly see
The very reason why you breathe
It becomes so much more than getting by
Well, I have arrived
And I can't keep this inside