The old broken melody, blowing through the trees of Eden.
They say the heart of man is too far gone to save...
yet in the quaint humdums of the neighbourhood,
in the midst of gains and losses,
joys and heartaches,
pleasure and pain,
friends and foes,
battles lost and won,
you can just hear that quiet whisper,
of an amazing grace....upon this unworthy life.
For those of you wondering....the author of this blog is still alive and kicking, not yet dead. (though that might be bad news to some of you out there, I suppose?)
1st week of school, and it feels almost like 1 month into it already...
What a rush it's been man. Before I had the time to adjust into the new environment and identity...it's been burrowing myself into assignments. I don't even recall being this busy during my 1st week in poly back then.
the library is a wonderful environment.
if only i have the time to look up from my sketchbook, and appreciate it.
So basically, staring straight at my face throughout this week and over the weekend, has been my pencil sketches. Infact, I think the amount of pencil led I've used this week has already surpassed the amount of pen ink I've been using ever since finishing school.
So basically, after classes each day, it's usually a visit to the school library with my friends to do our sketching. Heh, I don't think I've stepped into my poly library for more than 5 times back then in the past. And throughout the weekend, it's all going out with band practise and church, before rushing back to continue with the sketching.
Hmm, I think I've come to a deeper level of intimacy and understanding of my sketchbooks.
But nonetheless, it's been pretty cool so far. Meeting the tutors and coursemates. Speaking of which, I'm thrilled to hear about a 27 year old guy taking the same course as me, as well as a guy in my class who's the same age as me. Haha...I can feel the click and bond..almost immediately upon knowing their age. =)
But I'd really like things to slow down abit. I think things have been too overwhelming just over this weekend....really need some moment of quietness.
1 of my sketches. i sure hope i don't end up like it by the end of the 1st sem...
Feeling kinda chocked within.
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i really wonder why do i bother and care so much. to spend all the time and energy, to take it all into considerations, to prepare for it, only to find that at the end...it doesn't really matter.
as though u plan carefully like a chess pieces moving around a chess board, to defend and to fight, only to realise....you're the only one on the board.
I don't understand this fear and anxiety within me...almost like on slippery grounds without anything to hold on to. Like what she explained...the feeling of being out of control....can be such a thorn in the flesh for some people.
All along, I thought I had been numbed to the effect of being out of control, after what has happened....so I really wonder why am I feeling this way, as I start school..
It's like....suddenly feeling all shivery, and small, in this new and foreign environment. Almost like when I'm away....that I have this longing...just to know that someone would be there.
Just there...would be fine. Because...really, I can really feel the loneliness, and subtle fear within.
Tears? If only I still have them. I don't know what to say, or ask.
When all else around has fallen, and with no tears left to fall....
"...ORD, back to study. Got degree, so happy. Can't forget, times in army, with my rifle and my buddy and me."
('Purple Light', army song)
I'm finally fulfilling that part of a song I had sung back then in army. It's still a long stretch though.
My first day orientation in school? Hah....it was....boring. All that usual orientation nonsense of ice-breakers, crazy games and running around...nah, none of it. It was all solid hours of sitting there in the theatrette listening to the respective people taking turns to talk to us. Man, we even had a policeman speaking to us about crimes and all (for the sake of the foreign students). No wonder sweets was provided at the registration counter. The 'exciting' part was probably the tour around the campus. It was cool though, seeing this huuuuge crowd of people moving around the streets of bugis to get to the various campus buildings.
Speaking of which, it was queuing nightmare at the registration. I was surrounded by a sea of colourful youthful teens who were to be my fellow year mates. Looking at them, it suddenly gave me the feeling as though I was there to register for Campus Superstar or something, except that I was in the senior category. =(
Managed to get to know a few guys on that day during the buffet lunch, though I've still yet managed to find a fellow 24-er. Haha, I couldn't help smiling to myself when they asked me the usual question of which school I was from..
Boy boy: So which school were you from ah? Me: School? Errm..... Boy boy: Ya lor...the last school you were from? Me: I...err.....School of Artillery. Boy boy: -_-"
It somehow got them excited to start asking me about the army...on the 1st day of school. Woot, what a great start.
finally, my ticket to concession travel rates and fastfood student meals.
I'm a student again!
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First day of school ended with a bummer. Basically had 2 lessons today with a 3 hour break in between. So basically stayed in the library during that break stetch to do my sketching assignment with some friends, before going to class and waiting an hour, only to be told that the tutor was on MC.
I realise that I feel stressful about sketching and painting, cause I think I kinda suck at them, while people around seem to have that foundational skills from their art during sec school.
Anyway...I'm starting to worry that I won't survive financially beyond the 1st semester. Already had to go shop for stuff just from the 1st lesson...
a hefty , head-spinning, life-threatening damage of $32.80 with member card
Goodness....thought they're supposed to be my art friend.....what kind of a friend is this??!
Don't be surprised if you happen to see me on the street of Tampines one of these days, in a prostate position, begging for money.
And if you do, please kindly toss some moola over please. =(
So sorry that I didn't get to send yanquan off for his overseas exercise in taiwan. Am all too familiar with the feelings one can have on overseas exercise, with things back here on the heart.
Somehow, I just felt too sick to make the trip at night, and just needed the rest for Sunday.
Hope everything's fine, take care yanquan.
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Too many things on the heart, with no idea of expressing them. But the tiredness shows, with the bags weighing down below my eyes, as someone noted out.
I'm tired. School day's starting...and it still feels weird.
Just give me a quiet still night to rest my heart and mind. I'm tired.
a lifetime of raising my hands and voice, and it still won't be enough.
teach me.
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[Give You Glory] - Jeremy Camp
We have raised a thousand voices Just to lift Your holy name And we will raise thousands more To sing of Your beauty in this place Well none can even fathom No not one define Your worth As we marvel in Your presence To the ends of the earth.
We give You glory, Lifting up our hands and singing holy, You alone are worthy We just want to touch Your heart, Lord, touch Your heart Glory, lifting up our voice and singing holy, You alone are worthy We just want to touch Your heart, Lord, touch Your heart
As we fall down before You With our willing hearts we seek In the greatness of Your glory It's so hard to even speak There is nothing we can offer No nothing can repay So we give You all our praises And lift our voice to sing
We give You glory, Lifting up our hands and singing holy, You alone are worthy We just want to touch Your heart, Lord, touch Your heart Glory, lifting up our voice and singing holy, You alone are worthy We just want to touch Your heart, Lord, touch Your heart
Our hope is drenched in You Our faith has been renewed We trust in Your every word Nothing else can even measure up to You.
We give You glory, Lifting up our hands and singing holy, You alone are worthy We just want to touch Your heart, Lord, touch Your heart Glory, lifting up our voice and singing holy, You alone are worthy We just want to touch Your heart, Lord, touch Your heart
It's been almost 1 year and 7 months since I left army. It's been a period of working and kinda like being on a time-out, on the bench for me. At times, it feels just like being nowhere, in the midst of waiting for a new chapter to begin.
And with that, orientation for school has arrived, with lessons starting proper next week. I know I should probably heave a sigh of "finally"...that I can finally actually go back to school. Indeed, I have much to be thankful for....to be able to go back to studying full time. Afterall, it's what I've been clamouring after, ever since finishing my ns stint.
But for some reason, my mind is in a blank. Seems that I've got too many things stuffed up my mind at the moment. But I can sense that fear welled up within a corner inside of me alright. It's there.
Other than the fear about age gaps and returning my rusty brain back to studying, which I often mask by joking about it....it's also the money entrusted by my dad. The last thing I want to see, is for it to go down the drains. He doesn't deserve that....especially not at this age.
Honestly, I have nothing to offer for this troubled heart of mine. And for the people involved, I have no idea what to do anymore.
I really don't.
here's my white flag, to relinquish my right to fly as I will, or the foolish assumption to think, I have the strength and wisdom to do so on my own
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[White Flag] - Shaun Groves
Jesus, I am through defending This war’s never ending inside me I’ve been fighting not to forfeit Trying not to trust in Only you But I can’t get well I can’t get through I can’t get by If I can’t get you
Jesus, now my fist is open Now my sword is broken I come in peace ‘Cause I can’t get well I can’t get through I can’t get by If I can’t get you
Mercy, mercy Give me mercy, mercy Take me mercy, mercy I am overcome, I am overcome And here’s my…
…White flag Waving where my colors used to fly You win Here’s my white flag Giving up and giving all of me – I give in I’m Yours to reign and to rule I’m just a fool With a white flag
for the times when darkness surrounds, and daybreak never seems to come...
when I fail to remember goodness...
when weaknesses and failures stare right at me in the face, mocking me...
the times when I look around and find no trace of familiarity in an unfamiliar place...
for times when reasoning and hope escapes me from perservering and holding on...
when the damages caused by my folly seem too much to be changed and repaired...
when too much seems to have been lost and stolen by the Enemy beyond restoration...
when fear and anxiety of the unknown and uncontrollable seeks to paralyse me...
when the hurts and disappoint culminate to the point of numbing me...
when I seem to have said sorry for too many times...
when the world puts down and laughs at the very integrity He asks me to have...
when the only company I have around are silent echoes...
when the voices within and without, shout unceasingly to do and walk as I will...
when things around make no sense...
when I have no idea of what words to say...
...may the words of this song be anchored deeply within me, upon my heart and inner man, that beyond the veils of the enemy, I would see You covering over me..and standing, so that I may stand.
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[My Savior, My God] - Aaron Shust
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for those who don't mind a more simpler acoustic version =)
"This is how we know what real love is: Jesus gave his life for us."
I John 3:16
It’s nice to be included. You aren’t always. Universities exclude you if you aren’t smart enough. Businesses exclude you if you aren’t qualified enough, and sadly, some churches exclude you if you aren’t good enough.
But though they may exclude you, Christ includes you. When asked to describe the width of his love, he stretched one hand to the right and the other to the left and had them nailed in that position so you would know he died loving you.
But isn’t there a limit? Surely there has to be an end to this love. You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But David the adulterer never found it. Paul the murderer never found it. Peter the liar never found it. When it came to life, they hit bottom. But when it came to God’s love, they never did.
Actually it isn't really very much....my trip to KL that is.
Afterall...it was only a 2 day trip.....and a business trip at that. =( So here's some 'nothing-much' shots from a 'nothing-much' trip.
morning at the airport....pretty much quiet
can you see the sadness in those eyes? =(
arrival? more like departure man...blehhhhhh
plane ready for take off and departure. but heart wasn't leh
(and after 1 hour flight...)
here in KL! the cab we hopped onto, and it was pretty much a long 1 hour ride to Petaling Jaya area. the driver machiam playing Initial D sia.... =S
the hotel we were staying at
lobby lobby
woo my room card. i immediately looked forward to the departure date....
why do hotel room corridoors always look freaky?
was so happy to know my room was right at the end, next to a big window view....
...of boring buildings and towers. great.....
hello roomie!
me and my room. 1st time i'm having it all to myself
the view from my room? more roads and buildings. bummer.
Due to the constraint in time on our side, we didn't really have the chance to explore around. My greatest regret for the trip, would be missing the chance to head over to KLCC to take a look at the twin towers of KL. Guess it would have been some sight.
So we mainly walked around the giant mall that was next to the hotel. It was really big I tell you, and basically it feels like being in a mall in singapore...which kinda defeats the purpose of being there. But...oh well....
you wouldn't have suspected a thing if i said i was in singapore
tried some penang kway tiao. pretty alright
it's a business trip afterall....
...so what would you expect.. =(
I was feeling so stressed out on the 1st night, as I was ironing out the clothes for the client session, and working on the presentation. Feeling all lonely in that hotel room, and being anxious about the handover session.
Thankfully, I was able to get the hotel's wireless network working, using my colleague's pre-paid card she bought on her last trip. It had only like 15 minutes worth of connection time left on balance though. Nevertheless, it was gracious providence from Him I guess, to have that moment to see familiar people online and chatting abit.
It really meant alot to me.
buffet breakfast at the hotel...
...pretty nice variety they have
after breakfast, it was time. mission commencement
Although my heart kinda bordered on anxiety and blank state of mind on the way to the client's company, somehow there was that composure set within. His peace I believe.
It was still nerve wrecking, on reaching there, setting up the training room and meeting the clients. It was kinda cool though...after all the email exchanges during my work, I finally get to meet them. And somehow after getting past the initial unfamiliarity, things got pretty smooth actually and I just breezed through the session.
The part that got to me unexpectedly however, was the disappointment at the end, when we were told that we have to return on the following day to hold another session for another group of people...because of a comment made by my colleague.
Mann I was feeling soooo moody because of it...as we were already told there wasn't a need for a 2nd session...until my colleague made a comment.
Oh well, things just happen. But I gotta say, the 2nd day was more at ease, and it actually felt great, being on familiar grounds and really passing my knowledge to the friendly peeps over there.
And it's because of the 2nd day...I got the chance to try...
..this local nasi lemak of theirs. doesn't look much, but it tastes really good! now that's the kind of food i'm looking for in this trip.
leaving the office for our hotel. parking there..isn't really much of a prob
finally had the chance to try their highly-touted kfc. classic box packing man
it all looks pretty much the same, but the chicken does taste better and more tender
mmm...the cheesy potato wedges was good
had the chance to visit this pet safari
fat fluffy birds. i had wanted to take more photos...until i saw this sign which prohibited photo taking. decided not to "rambo" against it, as i still hoped to come back safely.
finally...leaving KL.
encountered yet another gracious providence as we were able to change our flight to an earlier one back to singapore
I've come to realise, just how important it is, one's mindset is, in such matters. Just the thought of having to face those overseas clients for the 2 day trip really dwindled any initial happy thoughts about the trip down to a zero. And I can still recall the feelings while I was over there...really missing the people back here in Singapore.
It really makes me wonder....how on earth did I ever survive those bouts of overseas exercises when I was in the army? Mental readiness makes such a big difference.
But I'm really just thankful, for the learning exposure, and the covering.
It's been like 3 days since I'm back from KL....and somehow...time just seem to give me this weird, unexplainable feeling of.....floating?
Partly due to me basically taking a rest and doing...nothing, probably. Managed to go for 2 days of the Living Word seminar on Psalms at St Andrew's.
It was kinda cool....the speaker had this slow, 'english-y' speaking style....but injecting straight-faced humour within his sentences. Heh interesting.
The first session I attended was on the 2nd night, on history I think. (oops) It was on....er....a particular psalm.....from....err the book of Psalms. (oops)
It was a great reminder session...on facing our past. To make statements saying that surely we cannot change a particular bad habit or become better, is to allow ourselves to be imprisoned by the past...pronouncing a death sentence upon ourselves.
During that session....this statement spoken by the speaker, struck me, and continuously tugged at my heart...
"...if anyone of you out there is thinking and doubting...that there is no way you can change things, after all these years. You know what.....you can."
It seems as though He was speaking directly to my heart. To remind me....pushing aside the load of disappointments and regrets that had been hiding, the hope that had been buried deep under all this while.
So apt a timing. I guess it's something for me to hold on and look back to, as I ready my heart to walk through certain things, for the next few weeks...or months. Who knows...
The last session tonight, was on suffering. Quite a topic huh. To be honest....I went with some expectation. Maybe there would be some answers.....some reasons given for suffering. Why do they happen. Or at least, how to make sense of them, and see the purpose.
But....there was none. No 'answers' provided. Going from the theme and content found in psalm 137, the speaker basically spoke of the tragedies...giving us questions that remind us of the various sufferings we've witnessed and gone through in our own respective lives. Other than the video clips showing movie scenes of pain and struggles, it made the atmosphere mostly quiet.
I was actually disappointed.
But it suddenly dawned upon me near the end of the session. After watching the clip of Jesus's suffering upon the cross and his life from 'The Passion of Christ', I felt yet another tugging upon my heart....
God as the perfect, Alpha Omega, King and Lord of all, Sustainer and Creator of all things by His word and breath alone.....where does His death and suffering fit into the picture? It makes no sense at all, and definitely not a natural aspect for Him. Yet He willingly cowered Himself into a human form in suffering, despite having all the right and ability to stop all pain and suffering, He chose not to. What ground-breaking, weirder facts could there be compared to this?
Perhaps in the light of this, I should not be surprised or caught off-guarded at the sufferings and pain happening to me in the state of this fallen world.
O Lord, remember what the Edomites did on the day the armies of Babylon captured Jerusalem. "Destroy it!" they yelled. "Level it to the ground!" O Babylon, you will be destroyed. Happy is the one who pays you back for what you have done to us. Happy is the one who takes your babies and smashes them against the rocks!
Psalm 137 : 7-9
To some of the horrific bible passages/psalm talking about pain and utmost hatred.... To the sufferings found in this world, in my life, and in the bible...how do I respond to them?
"Why is this happening...it's not fair!"
It's so easy for me to ask that when things happen, and try to put a finger to a root problem and try to make some sense out of it. It's so easy to just find someone and put a blame to and be angry with. Even if that someone, is God. We shake our fists and question at His sovereignity, and ask whether if He is as good, and as omniscient and omnipresent as He claim to be.
But honestly....what things can we say, that is good enough an answer for the sufferings some people go through? And what do we say to such psalms and passages?
I didn't know what to say, while watching the video clip of Jesus' path to bring salvation. Most of us wouldn't ask for such pain and suffering, yet He planned and purposed it all to happen, for our sake. What can we say?
Perhaps that's why the speaker didn't try to offer answers or explanations. As mentioned by him, sometimes the best way to read such passages would be to just quietly soak in the horror and reality of it. To just weep alongside, as Jesus did, for those in pain. To realise that I'm probably going to understand and explain my own suffering, as much as the same extent that I can understand why God would choose to experience death and die a criminal's death.
And honestly...given a choice, I would much rather Jesus to tell me, that He understands my pain and grief, than to have my 'whys' of it answered.
But if anyone has the right to ask why...it's Jesus.
"...Yet not my will, but Yours be done" he cried...."
How humbling.
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After all the failed attempts, I finally got the chance to meet up with Yeepeng for a catchup session over a meal, at TCC! Mann the food, dessert and coffee was good. Should have snapped some shots.
Really enjoyed the session. Heh kinda observed her structured personality and style from the session....as she basically brought in the topics of faith, work/study, relationship, service to talk about.
Good time of sharing it was....probably helped by the previous occasions of staying in touch with her over phone and email. Little points of contacts, but really makes a difference man. Learnt and realised a number of things I didn't take note of before.
Ironic how I've been pining so much to be back, and feeling tired from the journey...yet I don't really feel like sleeping at the moment with the change in location and all.
Well well...my very first blog post internationally on a foreign land. If you want, I'll start waving over here, and you take a look to the north. Who knows...you may catch a glimpse of me?
Anyway, here I am all alone in this hotel room. Thankful to the providence so far...it's still been feeling Singapor-ish to me. But all that ok...what's on my mind now is the presentation tomorrow. I can really start feeling the shiver now. (ok, the cold hotel room doesn't help exactly..)
The fact of me taking the whole training session is dawning on me now...brrrrr. It can really feel overwhelming when I think about it man. Guess I just have to shift my focus on Him. But...ok just let me say this once and for all.....IT'S SCARYYYYYY!! I'M SCAREEDDDD!!
Alright, much better. (not really)
Guess I should just get back to work, and remind myself, of His presence. Let me just put my hand into it, rest in You and trust everything unto You. I'm only too glad to be able to have the song "Oceans Will Part" to listen to on my blog as I work. It means so much. Oh, and to have an internet connection to see some familiar people online, fantastic.
And, I miss you peeps out there. Hope to see you all soon....real soon.
No no...I'm not talking about my superman secret identity and flying off away to rescue someone. (I'll save that for another day)
My ex company has contacted me and confirmed about the trip to KL. The client is finally ready to sign off the completed coursewares, so I'll be flying down to do the handover with my ex-colleague, as well as conduct the training session.
*Gulp* Goodness I really have no idea how. It's been some months since I left the company and project, and the last time I did a presentation was probably....during my poly time? Add to the fact, that I'll be presenting to a group at the overseas clients' office on a project that's government-body related.....it all adds up to..
O V E R W H E L M I N G
=S
But as someone said, it could be good to be away for awhile, which I told myself too in consolation. In actuality, I'm not really looking forward to this trip at all, and I gotta say...the main reason for my acceptance of this trip, is mainly for the money. Really need it to be on my savings for my schooling. Seems to me like God's little providences along the way.
I guess it could be a good exposure and learning experience. Thankfully, I'll be having my colleague....and her mum along with me. HAHA! Yeah that's right. Apparently she has always had this fear of staying alone in a foreign hotel room. She had originally wanted for us to share the room...but err, I think a mum would do a better job here.
But before flying off, I'm already cracking my brain trying to do the powerpoint presentation. Goodness...it's not a school project, but to a group of people who are all probably beyond my age. And that's the other scary part for me I guess. To do the role of the trainer of the developed courseware, teaching them and all.
But I guess I'll worry about that on my flight there.
For now....presentation first. Mental block you see....
Just You. Please. I'm tired, really. ---------------------------------
[None But Jesus] - Hillsong United
In the quiet, in the stillness I know that You are God In the secret of Your presence I know there I am restored
When You call I won’t refuse Each new day again I’ll choose
There is no one else for me None but Jesus Crucified to set me free Now I live to bring Him praise
In the chaos, in confusion I know You’re Sovereign still In the moment of my weakness You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won’t delay This my song through all my days
All my delight is in You Lord All of my hope, all of my strength All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore
About me
Who am I? You sure you want to know?
The story of my life is not for the faint of heart.
If somebody said it was a happy little tale... if somebody told you I was just your average ordinary guy, without a care in the world...somebody lied.
the library is a wonderful environment.
1 of my sketches.
