"Everything is in such a total mess."
It was roughly 3 years ago.
3a.m in the morning.
All was quiet. My family was all asleep. As I stood at the balcony window looking out, the night breeze brought a sense of stillness along with its coolness. It had been noisy during the day due to some construction work going on below my block. The space used to be a mini open field. 2 little elevated grassy hills, with a figure "8" cement track going around it. It was quite alright and pretty.
Now, dried up buckets of cement litter the ground. Trees that I had seen since young had been brought down with no visible trunks left. What once was cement paths had been reduced to nothing more than piles of rubbles. Grass and plants were uprooted, revealing the less visually pleasing lumps of soil underneath.
Big dusty construction vehicles that hummed noisily as they dig and drag in the day time, now parked motionless.
Everything had become so unfamiliar....so....messy.
"Just like my life", I thought to myself.
The construction scene I saw before me, seemed like a parallel of my own life. Everything seemed to be in a total mess as I reflected upon the various areas of my life. How did I ever come to this point? At times even my own choices, behavior and responses seemed so unfamiliar, so unlike who I thought I was.
But who am I? Could it be that my life at the moment isn't as alright, as pretty as I thought it was? But even so, I would prefer the previous state it had been thank you. Although it wasn't perfect, it was definitely much prettier than what I'm seeing now.
"And I'm sure You'd have found my life much pleasing back then compared to now huh, God?" I muttered regretfully.
"But that isn't how I desire for Your life to be in the first place as well."
A gentle breeze blew across my face as I sensed that impression upon my heart from Him.
I realised I had been contented with how my life was, nothing too bad, just alright. My life needed change, an overhaul, both in the way I lived my life, as well as my mindset and outlook towards issues in life. But before that change, my current state needed to be broken down, to make space for the new.
My pride had to be broken. Layers of grassy protection I had within had to be uprooted to reveal the condition of my heart. It is then that He could instill more of His ways, His thoughts, His words, within me.
Things have not become perfect, and many a times I slowed the process down with my own disobedience and foolishness. I do lose sight of Him and the work at times. And for the times I feel like throwing the towel and give up...I'm reminded of His words to me that night...
"It will not be an easy path, and many a times, it will be painful and vulnerable for you. It is not because I don't love you that I allow you to go through it. It is exactly because of My love for you that I can't bear to see you remain in this state. But despite the long painful journey, I will be with you in each step. Walk beside, and not infront or behind Me. Hold on to me, and I will carry you through...and believe Me, the end result is worth fighting for."
I don't know what this day will bring
Will it be disappointing, filled with longed for things?
I don't know what tomorrow holds
Still I know I can trust Your faithfulness
I don't know if these clouds mean rain
If they do, will they pour down blessing or pain?
I don't know what the future holds
Still I know I can trust Your faithfulness
Certain as the rivers reach the sea
Certain as the sunrise in the east
I can rest in your faithfulness
Surer than a mother's tender love
Surer than the stars still shine above
I can rest in your faithfulness
I don't know how or when I'll die
Will it be a thief, or will I have a chance to say goodbye?
No, I don't know how much time is left
But in the end, I will know your faithfulness
When darkness overwhelms my soul
When thoughts and storms of doubt
Still I trust You are always faithful, always faithful
Certain as the rivers reach the sea
Certain as the sunrise in the east
I can rest in your faithfulness
Surer than a mother's tender love
Surer than the stars still shine above
I can rest in your faithfulness
I don't know what this day will bring
Will it be disappointing, filled with longed for things?
I don't know what tomorrow holds
Still I know I can trust Your faithfulness
'Your Faithfulness' - Brian Doerksen
My army unit had just came back from their overseas exercise in New Zealand, just in time for CNY. I would have been part of it were it not for the 2 months reduction in NS service time :D
Hehe, was sooo thankful for it back then. But as I chatted with my friend who was there, well I felt this 'lil part of pity, that I wasn't there.
NO...don't get me wrong, I'm not lamenting about my earlier release from army..it's just that after having been through all of the exercises with my unit across the globe, I do feel attached to it in a certain sense. Actually...it's more of the experience I treasure, or in this NZ case, what I would have experienced if I were there. But honestly, I had been pretty sick of flying around and having to adjust myself to new environments after last year's overseas exercise stints in India, Taiwan and Thailand.
But really...looking at the pics from my friend's side...it's really beautiful man! If I was there, I think I'll feel like I'm in episode 4 of the Lord Of The Rings movie...titled:
The Return Of The King To The Two Castles For The Fellowship Of The Ring
Heheh.
If only I was there. Well, maybe I should make it one of my holiday points in time to come.
Oh well, in the mean time...enjoy the pics I got from my friend. :D
Mary had....
...quite ALOT of little lambs
Grass that looks so comfy that you can just lie lie down and sleep outfield
If you look properly, you can actually see Frodo and gang trekking...right there :D
155mm gun against a beautiful sunset backdrop
Street of Aukland City
A quiet and slow paced community...sounds good to me!
Even the water looks good enough to drink
Funny...this looks like a view you'd get in Japan to me
(If I'm not wrong, this is Mt Rapehu where they filmed Lord Of The Rings!)
St Matthew's Church
Mann....currently in the midst of preparing my documents for uni application. Everything seems to be ok, except for the online application form which requires you to answer the following 3 questions as part of the application:
1)How do you think an extra-curricular or personal activity that you have pursued has had a bearing on the course you have chosen at NUS? (1000 characters)
2)NUS welcomes the contributions each student brings to its community. Describe a special talent, contribution or a personal quality that you will bring to NUS. (1000 characters)
3)Is there anything else you would like us to know about yourself, such as a significant setback or a personal experience that has had an impact on your aspiration to read the course you have chosen at NUS? (1000 characters)
Well...it's good in a way that they're changing the admittance format where not everything is based on your academic results. They're kinda evaluating your character, at the same time seeing your articulating skills and expressions.
But unconciously, given the stakes at hand, wouldn't the applicant tend to be more....generous...with the description? Paint a better picture? Heh...hmm...I guess that's kinda norm for the society now huh? Just like for job interviews.
Oh well...back to promoting....*ahem* I mean...evaluating myself :D
There have been times I find myself trapped between the anguish & regret of my
sins, and the shame & sorrow formy actions. Too sorry to move on as if nothing
happened, and too ashamed to ask for forgiveness.
I recall a particular day I felt this way while I was at Thailand for my army
exercise. Feeling overwhelmed and notknowing what to do or say, I went out of
the bunk for some fresh air. As I stepped out and turned…I saw...
Immediately, the rainbow brought to my mind the relentless pursuit and desire of God
to show mercy. A gentle voice seemed to tug at my heart, saying “I know and see all
you’ve done, but My love for you stays the same. You are not alone here, I am, and
have, and will always be with you. Will you return and rest in my love?”
What can I say? I know I don’t deserve it, but I know even more that I need it.
To everyone of us, be it the one who finds himself alone in a faraway foreign land,
the lady who finds herself alone with all the failures and pains that no one else
know, the guy who feels an overwhelming sense of loneliness on the 1st day of army
enlistment, the person who feels uncertain of the task and future set ahead of
him…He has this to say…
GOD'S LOVING PURSUIT
by Max Lucado
“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the
days of my life.” Psalm 23:6
Dare we envision a God who follows us?
Who pursues us?
Who chases us?
Who tracks us down and wins us over?
Who follows us with “goodnes and mercy” all the
days of our lives?
Isn’t this the kind of God described in the Bible?
A God who follows us? Moses can tell you about it.
He was forty years in the desert when he looked
over his shoulder and saw a bush blazing. God had
followed him into the wilderness.
Jonah can tell you about it. He was a fugitive on a boat when he looked over
his shoulder and saw clouds brewing. God had followed him onto the ocean.
The disciples of Jesus knew the feeling of being followed by God. They were
rain soaked and shivering when they looked over their shoulders and saw
Jesus walking toward them. God had followed them into the storm.
John the Apostle was banished on Patmos when he looked over his shoulder and
saw the skies begin to open. God had followed him into his exile.
Lazarus was three days dead in a sealed tomb when he heard a voice, lifted
his head, and looked over his shoulder and saw Jesus standing. God had
followed him into death.
Peter had denied his Lord and gone back to fishing when he heard his name and
looked over his shoulder and saw Jesus cooking breakfast God had followed him
in spite of his failure.
God is the God who follows. I wonder …have you sensed him following you?
We often miss him.
Through the kindness of a stranger. The majesty of a sunset. The mystery of
romance. Through the question of a child or the commitment of a spouse.
Through a word well spoken or a touch well timed, have you sensed his
presence?
His goodness and mercy will follow us all the days of our lives
The reason why I stand
The answer lies in you
You hung to make me strong
Though my praise was few
When I fall I bring your name down
But I have found in you
A heart that bleeds forgiveness
replacing all these thoughts of painful memories
You satisfy this cry
Of what I'm looking for
And I'll take all I can
And lay it down before
The throne of endless grace now that radiates what's true
I'm in the only place that
erases all these faults
That have over taken me
But I know that your response will always be
I'll take you back always
Even when your fight is over now
I'll take you back always
Even when the pain is coming through
I'll take you back
I can only speak with a grateful heart
As I'm pierced by this gift of your love
I will always bring an offering
I can never thank you enough
You take me back always
Even when my fight is over now
You take me back always
Even when my pain is coming through
You take me back
(I'll Take You Back - Jeremy Camp)
Ever wonder just how many crossroads you and I will encounter in this lifetime? It just seem that with every new season of life, with a change of situation and environment...comes a set of choices that you have to make.
And I guess the un-welcomed crossroads in life, are generally those that you can't see the destination points of, where you have no assurance of where your choice will end you up at.
Mann...the uni application for Cat B(poly) personnel has started this week. Have been discussing about it with my poly friends for a couple of weeks. Guess we were kinda disillusioned and disappointed with the choice we made with our poly course, but there's really nothing much we can do now. It seems the IT field is saturated with people from polys, unis, as well as foreign talents. We've heard stories of our coursemates going into unrelated jobs such as secretary, financial planner and all.
In the midst of my NS time, I had asked God why was the door open for me to be involved with the videography and photography in my unit, when it had often brought me so much frustration and sacrifices on my part. But looking back, I'm truly grateful for the opportunity and exposure, which had certainly upped my interest in those areas. I don't think they are a coincidence with Him in the picture.
It has been a pretty long consideration between working and furthering studies for some time for me since army...guess it's always about balancing faith and planning and seeing what comes out of it and what doors are opened in the process. Between knowing the outcome of your choices and knowing He's with you in the choice you make unto Him...which would you choose?
Honestly it's a hard choice...but I believe I'll take comfort more in knowing He's with me in whichever choice I make, honestly in the intention to follow and honour Him. Though it isn't a problem free path, there isn't really any other path I'd want to find myself on at the end of the day.
So Lord,
show me the path that You have purposed for me to walk would You? When my heart craves for understanding, be patient to show me
that a heart at rest in Your sovereignity is what You desire,
is what that truly brings peace to me deep within.
Then help me with my disobedience, and to lay before You my earthly wisdom,
giving myself to honor and please You in the choices I make.
When things take a wrong turn, remind me that You are in control,
and that everything works for the good of those who love You.
May I then walk on, sustained and carried by Your grace and strength,
till the day You hold me in Your embrace and say,
"Well done."
